Marvin: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. Trillian: Well, we have something that may take your mind off it. Marvin: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind. Trillian: Yeah, we know. Trillian: Let's go somewhere. Arthur: Where did you have in mind? Trillian: Madagascar. Arthur: That new club on Dean Street? Trillian: No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa. Arthur: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world. Slartibartfast: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that. Ford: [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard] Wash your filthy hands! [looks around] Ford: Don't panic... don't panic... Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die. Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die. [pauses] Ford: No... no! What's this? [goes over to control panel] Arthur: What's that? Ford: What's this...? What's this...? [flips switch] Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die. Marvin: Life? Don't talk to me about life! Vogon: [being chased by Ford Prefect with a towel] He's got a TOWEL! Dolphins: [singing] So long, and thanks for all the fish / So sad that it should come to this / We tried to warn you all, but, oh, dear / You may not share out intellect / Which might explain your disrespect / For all the natural wonders that grow around you / So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish! The world's about to be destroyed / There's no point getting all annoyed / Lie back and let the planet dissolve around you / Despite those nets of tuna fleets / We thought that most of you were sweet / Especially tiny tots and your pregnant women / So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish!/ If I had just one last wish / I would like a tasty fish!/ If we could just change one thing / We would all have learnt to sing!/ Come one and all / Man and mammal / Side by side / In life's great gene pool!/ So long, so long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long and thanks for all the fish! Slartibartfast: I must warn you, we're going to pass through, well, a sort of gateway thing. Arthur Dent: What? Slartibartfast: It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. Ghostly Image: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. As a token of our appreciation, we hope you will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles we've just sent to converge with your craft. To ensure ongoing quality of service, your death may be monitored for training purposes. Thank you. Arthur Dent: Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down? Lunkwill: Hey, that's not bad! Arthur Dent: Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy. Trillian: That's a good answer... Lunkwill: Rubbish, we don't want to be happy, we want to be famous! Fook: Yeah! What is all this "is she the one" tripe? Lunkwill: Take his brain! Trillian: Well, this is weird. The Book: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet and since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell: The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground! [dies] The Book: Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now. Trillian: I should have said it resembles tea. Zaphod: Why'd you pick up hitchhikers? Trillian: I didn't. The ship did. Zaphod: She digs me. Zaphod: That doesn't sound good. Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth! Zaphod: I did? Arthur: He did? Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you? Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading. Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph! Zaphod: Some parts of my character weren't what you'd call presidential. Ford, Zaphod: Belgium. Ford: That's awkward. Arthur: Let's go somewhere. Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind? Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe. Arthur Dent: I'm sorry, did you just say you needed my brain? Fook: Yes, to complete the program. Arthur Dent: Well, you can't have it, I'm using it! Fook: Hardly. Arthur Dent: Cheeky mouse... Mr. Prosser: Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you? Arthur: How much? Mr. Prosser: None at all. Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question. Zaphod: Yep. Ford: You. Zaphod: Me. Ford: Why? Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work. Title card: For Douglas. [Waiting for Trillian to be released] Zaphod: Who are we waiting for again? [Waits for a reply] Zaphod: No, I'm serious. Slartibartfast: [talking about the Earth] Best laid plans of mice. Arthur: And men. Slartibartfast: What? Arthur: Best laid plans of mice and men. Slartibartfast: Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it. Arthur: [Trillian has been captured by Vogons] [bursts into a random Vogon building with Marvin's arm, hoping they think it's a gun] Arthur: All right! Where is she! [sees he's in a waiting room] Vogon Secretary: Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair? Trillian: Who are you? Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent. Trillian: No, I mean *who* are you? Arthur: Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice. Trillian: You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa. Arthur: Really? Trillian: Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway. Arthur: Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are drunken idiots. Trillian: What? [the record player is bumped, the music stops] Arthur: I said all these people are idiots! [everyone stares at him] Arthur: Oh god... Humma Kavula, Congregation: [singing] Oh mighty Arkleseizure, thou gazed from high above. And sneezed from out thy nostrils, a gift of bounteous love. The universe around us emerged from thy nose. Now we await with eager expectation, thy handkerchief, to bring us back to thee. [End singing] Zaphod: Hello Humma. Humma Kavula: Let us pray. Oh mighty one, we raise our noses to you blocked and unblown, send the handkerchief O blessed one that we may be wiped clean. Congregation: Atchoo! Humma Kavula: Bless you. Slartibartfast: You must come with me. Arthur Dent: Who are you? Slartibartfast: What? No. My name's not important. You must come with me, or you'll be late. Arthur Dent: Late for what? Slartibartfast: Well, um, what's your name Earthman? Arthur Dent: Dent. Arthur Dent. Slartibartfast: Well, late as in *the late* Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat. You see? Arthur Dent: No. Slartibartfast: Your friends are safe, you can trust me. Arthur Dent: Trust a man who won't even tell me his name? Slartibartfast: Well, um, my name is, um, it's [hurriedly] Slartibartfast: Slartibartfast. Arthur Dent: What? Slartibartfast: I *said* it wasn't important. [first lines] The Book: It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, Man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the *third* most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were of course dolphins who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of the planet earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits. So they eventually decided they would leave earth by their own means. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish. [to Arthur, shortly after they first meet] Trillian: I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you. Humma Kavula: [confronting Zaphod Beeblebrox for the first time after losing the Galactic Presidential Election to him] The election is ancient history, Zaphod. If memory serves, you won, proving that good looks and charm win over brilliance and the ability to govern. And for the record? You *are* stupid. Trillian: [Zaphod aims the Point of View gun at Trillian] It won't affect me, I'm already a woman. Fook: [about to be squished] Oh, bollocks! Arthur: Ford? Ford: Yeah? Arthur: I think I'm a sofa... Ford: [pause] I know how you feel... Marvin: You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP... Arthur: Um... what's GPP? Marvin: Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you...? Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic partical things? Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch! Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go! Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons? Jeltz: Apathetic bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all. Zaphod: If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now! The Book: According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the best drink in the known universe is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It has the effect of having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon... wrapped around a large gold brick. [Slartibartfast is showing Arthur the progress on the New Earth. They pass a construction worker] Slartibartfast: That's Frank. Zaphod: Let's trip the Light Fantastic, baby, just you and me. Trillian: I have a plan. Arthur: Does it involve pushing him out there and then running the other way? The Book: The Encyclopedia Galactica, in its chapter on Love states that it is far too complicated to define. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: Avoid, if at all possible. Unfortunately, Arthur Dent has never read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The Book: Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The very worst poetry in the universe was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Thankfully it was destroyed when the earth was. Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home. Ford: What is normal? Trillian: What is home? Zaphod: What're cows? Marvin: [as they are gazing at the wonder of Magrathea] Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be. [Arthur and Ford have each been unexpectedly hit in the face by some unknown flyswatter-like thing] Zaphod: [after finally also being hit in the face] Zarquon! What was that? Geez... Marvin: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen. [even more depressed] Marvin: No one ever does. Ford: I checked The Guide for the best way to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere, it said "don't". The Book: "The Babel fish," said The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy quietly, "is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy not from its carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish. "Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. "The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' "'But,' says Man, 'The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' "'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic. "'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing. "Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best- selling book Well That About Wraps It Up For God. "Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation." Marvin: [as Vogons fire at the group] Don't see what the big deal is... Vogons are some of the worst shots in the galaxy... Marvin: [one hits Marvin, leaving a smoking hole in his head. he turns] Now I've got a headache! [deleted scene] Questular Rontok: [runs to the demolished caravan to find Zaphod unconcious inside] Mr President! Oh, thank god. I tried to prevent all this from happening, but forces beyond my control made it impossible for me to stop them. And even stronger forces are making it impossible for me to stop doing this right now! [kisses Zaphod, waking him up] Zaphod: [throws Questular off him] Zarquon, woman! Are you insane? You're my vice-president! In the name of liberty, and freedom, and people, and... stuff... let's do that again! [they kiss passionately] Eddie the Computer: Guys, I am just pleased as punch to inform you that there are two thermo-nuclear missiles headed this way... if you don't mind, I'm gonna go ahead and take evasive action Arthur Dent: COMPUTER DO SOMETHING! Eddie the Computer: Sure thing fella! Switching over to manual control... good luck! [Ship's engines immediately stop and ship falls] Marvin: Freeze? I'm a robot. I'm not a refrigerator. Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer. Arthur: And? Marvin: It hates me. Zaphod: Far out! Zaphod: HUMMA KAVULA! News Reader: Humma Kavula is best known for his slanderous "Don't vote for stupid" campaign and claimed that most people thought they were voting for the worst dressed sentient being in the universe contest. The Book: A man who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India company. Ford: You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed. Arthur: Couldn't you have done something? Ford: I saved your life. Arthur: A cup of tea would restore my normality. Arthur: I have to say, without the beard you look at least 80 years younger. Trillian: Well, maybe I'm de-evolving? Arthur: Ha ha! Trillian: Ha ha! Arthur: Well, I should inform you that I don't date single-celled organisms. The Book: This man is a 5'8" ape descendant and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house. Zaphod: I can't do this without my third arm! Arthur: See, normally I hate those sorts of parties. I'd much rather stay at home, I don't know, ironing me hankies. The Book: Space, says the introduction to the guide, is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind bogglingly big it is. And so on. Arthur: Humma Kavula is person? I thought he was swearing! Arthur: [as a yarn doll] I think I'm gonna be sick! Zaphod: Hey, do it in the trash can, Earth man, this ship is brand new. Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn] [last lines] Marvin: Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the *other* end of the Universe. Trillian: Marvin... you saved our lives! Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it? Arthur: So this is it. We're going to die Ford: Yes. Would you like a hug? Arthur: No. Arthur: OK. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue. Vogon: Oh no, he's closed the gate from the inside, we'll have to go round. Marvin: I've calculated your chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it. Barman: Did you say the world is coming to an end? Shouldn't we all lie on the floor or put paper bags over our heads? Ford: If you like. Barman: Will it help? Ford: Not at all. [Ford runs out of the pub] Barman: Last orders, please! Zaphod: [to Arthur] I like those jammies. Lunkwill: Do you... Deep Thought: Have an answer for you? Yes. But you're not going to like it. Fook: Please tell us. We must know! Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is... [wild cheers from audience, then silence] Deep Thought: 42. Arthur: Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by lemons? [Marvin, Trillian, Ford, Arthur and Zaphod are being fired upon by Vogons - the others flee as Marvin only very slowly walks away] Marvin: I don't know what you're all worried about. Vogons are the worst marksmen in the galaxy. [he is shot in the back of the head] Marvin: Now I've got a headache. The Book: Vogons. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, queried, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighter. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you. Questular Rontok: [about Trillian] She's lying. She's skinny, and she's pretty, and she's lying! Ford: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so. Ghostly Image: We are pleased to see that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and would like you to know that the two thermonuclear missiles currently converging upon your vessel are merely a courtesy we extend to all prospective customers. Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex. Arthur: Arthur! Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga? Marvin: This will all end in tears. Marvin: [Trillian, Ford, and Zaphod have gone through the portal and left Arthur and Marvin behind] I told you this would all end in tears. Arthur: Did you? Did you? Arthur: It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. Zaphod: [to Trillian] Hey slim, are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and they're not doing the trick. Fook: We don't want to be happy, we want to be famous. Marvin: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't. Vogon: Resistance is useless! Ford: If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is. Zaphod: Hey! Is this guy boring you? Why don't you come talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. Seriously! [laughs] Zaphod: You want to see my spaceship? The Book: In the beginning the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move. Ford: We must talk. Arthur Dent: Not now, Ford. They're gonna demolish my home. Ford: Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You know already? [Arthur doesn't understand. Ford looks at the workers around him] Ford: Oh, *they*! When you say "they" you mean *they*! Ford: [distracting the men about to demolish Arthur's house] Workers of the earth! I bring... good tidings of peanuts! And beer! Ford: Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car? Arthur: I assumed you were drunk. Ford: I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself. Trillian: I have the president and I will kill him, I swear I will. Jeltz: Could that actually kill him? Questular Rontok: I don't think so. It's an aerosol can. Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother. Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me. Trillian: See this? This detects what you're craving and makes it for you. And this? This toasts bread while you're slicing it. We're on a space ship Arthur. In space. The Book: [about the Point of View Gun] The Point of View gun conveniently does precisely what its name suggests. That is if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives, who after countless arguments with their husbands were sick to the teeth of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?" Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax. Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy? [fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod] Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't. Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic. Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you. Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true. Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does. Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing. [takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her] Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman. Trillian: So much for the laws of physics. Humma Kavula: Even an improbability drive needs coordinates which I happen to have. Humma Kavula: What does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure most? Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing? Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain. Arthur: So you're not from Guildford. Which would explain the accent. The Book: It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the very moment that Arthur Dent said "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel," a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant Galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. The two opposing leaders, resplendent in their black jewelled battle shorts, were meeting for the last time, when, a dreadful silence fell, and, at that very moment, the words, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel" drifted across the conference table. Unfortunately, in their native tongue, this was the most appalling insult imaginable, so the two opposing battle fleets decided to settle their few remaining differences in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark. For thousands of years the mighty starships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the planet Earth - where, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time. Gag Halfrunt: Zaphod's just zis guy, ya know? Slartibartfast: I'd much rather be happy than right any day. Arthur: And are you? Slartibartfast: Ahh... No. Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day. Arthur Dent: And are you? Slartibartfast: Ah, no. [laughs, snorts] Slartibartfast: Well, that's where it all falls down, of course. Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch. Ford: His hunches are good. Ford: [as they are about to be shot into space, he dabs Arthur's face with a towel] You're sweating. Lunkwill: Drink up. Arthur: Thank you. Fook: Now, to business. Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business! Lunkwill, Fook: Eat! Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry. Zaphod: You Zarkin' Frood! Zaphod: We just hit that button and whoo! Magrathea. I think, I mean we've hit it twice and we're still not there. Trillian: We don't know why we're here. We were trying to get to Magrathea and our ship brought us here. Humma Kavula: How very... improbable. Zaphod: Oh Deep Thought! We have travelled long... and far. Have you calculated the ultimate question? Deep Thought: [yawns] No. I've been watching the TV. Zaphod: Circus! Circus! Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip! Ford: I thought you said you stole it. Trillian: Buttons aren't toys. Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it? Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back. Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later? Zaphod: Yeah, they do. Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again? Arthur: Earth. Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat. Trillian: How badly does it hurt? Arthur: It doesn't feel great. Arthur: She was amazing though, Ford. Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon. Arthur Dent: Here I was thinking I was the only one who considered your boyfriend a narcissistic moron, when apparently the whole galaxy does. The Book: What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer. Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing. [a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces] Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow! Ford: [about Vogons] They don't think, they don't imagine, most of them can't even spell, they just run things. And if we don't hitch a ride soon, you won't need the guide to tell you just how unpleasant they can be. They already destroyed a planet today, and that always makes them a little... eeee! Arthur: I think that door just sighed. Marvin: Ghastly, isn't it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition. Zaphod: In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking this ship with me. Whoo! Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right? Ford: All the buildings are gray. Zaphod: [everything appears to be made of yarn] WOW! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button? Trillian: Very probably, yes. Marvin: I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death. Arthur: Thanks very much, Marv! The Book: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. More popular, certainly more successful than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? The Book: Presidents don't have power, their purpose is to draw attention away from it. Ghostly Image: Greetings. This is a recorded announcement as we are all out at the moment. The Commercial Council of Magrathea thanks you for your esteemed visit but regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed. If you would like to leave your name and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly do so at the tone. Eddie the Computer: Engaging Infinite Improbability Drive... Ford: No, no, no... Zaphod, buttons aren't toys! What did you do? Slartibartfast: Ever heard of a place, I think it's called Norway? That was one of mine, I got an an award for it. Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands. "Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. " "Ah, " said Arthur, "this is obviously some strange usage of the word safe that I wasn't previously aware of. " "I don't know, " said the voice on the PA, "apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. " "Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. "The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' "`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' "Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz smiled very slowly. This was done not so much for effect as because he was trying to remember the sequence of muscle movements. " "OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah? " "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. " "Nuts to your white mice, " he said. "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. " (aikamuotojen käyttö aikamatkustuksessa) "You can arrive (mayan arivan on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were when you return to your own time. (you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome.) " "The suit into which the man's body had been stuffed looked as if it's only purpose in life was to demonstrate how difficult it was to get this sort of body into a suit. " "He dropped his voice still lower. In the stillness, a fly would not have dared cleat its throat. " (in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe) "And finally, " said Max, quieting the audience down and putting on his solemn face, "finally I believe we have with us here tonight, a party of believers, very devout believers, from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon. " ... "There they are, " said Max, "sitting there, patiently. He said he'd come again, and he's kept you waiting a long time, so let's hope he's hurrying fellas, because he's only got eight minutes left! " "As he came into the light they could see his black and gold uniform on which the buttons were so highly polished that they shone with an intensity that would have made an approaching motorist flash his lights in annoyance. " "You're very sure of your facts, " he said at last, "I couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe - if there is one - for granted. " "What are you talking about? " "Never mind, eat the fruit. " "You know, this place almost looks like the Garden of Eden. " "Eat the fruit. " "Sounds quite like it too. " "Rome wasn't burned in a day. " "Does it worry you that you don't talk any kind of sense? " "One's never alone with a rubber duck. " "Another world, another day, another dawn. " "He expanded his chest to make it totally clear that here was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a team of Sherpas with you. " "It was real. At least, if it wasn't real, it did support them, and as that is what sofas are supposed to do, this, by any test that mattered, was a real sofa. " Arthur said, "So which way do I go? " "Down, " said Fenchurch, "on this occasion. " He moved his hand. "Down, " she said, "is in fact the other way. " "Oh yes. " "You're one hundred percent positive that the ship which is crashed on the bottom of this ocean is the ship which you said you were one hundred percent positive could one hundred percent positively never crash? " "Yes, it's the right planet, all right, " he said again. "Right planet, wrong universe. " "Ford had his own code of ethics. It wasn't much of one, but it was his and he stuck by it, more or less. One rule he made was never to buy his own drinks. He wasn't sure if that counted as an ethic, but you have to go with what you've got. " "Arthur felt at a bit of a loss. There was a whole Galaxy of stuff out there for him, and he wondered if it was churlish of him to complain to himself that it lacked just two things: the world he was born on and the woman he loved. " "What was the self-sacrifice? " "I jettisoned half of a much loved and I think irreplaceable pair of shoes. " "Why was that self-sacrifice? " "Because they were mine! " said Ford crossly. "I think we have different value systems. " "Well mine's better. " "That's according to your... oh never mind. " One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was so - but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about it. "You ... you ... have been in the Vortex?" stammered Gargravarr. "You saw me, kid." "And it was working?" "Sure was." "And you saw the whole infinity of creation?" "Sure. Really neat place, you know that?" Gargravarr's mind was reeling in astonishment. Had his body been with him it would have sat down heavily with its mouth hanging open. "And you saw yourself," said Gargravarr, "in relation to it all?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "But ... what did you experience?" Zaphod shrugged smugly. "It just told me what I knew all the time. I'm a really terrific and great guy. Didn't I tell you, baby, I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox!" "That is really amazing," he said. "That really is truly amazing. That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it." "I've just thought of something," she said. "Yeah? Worth interrupting a news bulletin about me for?" "You hear enough about yourself as it is." "I'm very insecure. We know that." "Can we drop your ego for a moment? This is important." "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now." Zaphod glared at her again, then laughed. Zaphod: "I wouldn't trust myself further than I could spit a rat." It said: 'The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?" "Listen, three eyes," he said, "don't you try to outweird me. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal." "Well, just who do you think you are, honey?" flounced the insect quivering its wings in rage, "Zaphod Beeblebrox or something?" "Count the heads," said Zaphod in a low rasp. The insect blinked at him. It blinked at him again. "You are Zaphod Beeblebrox?" it squeaked. "Yeah," said Zaphod, "but don't shout it out or they'll all want one." "The Zaphod Beeblebrox?" "No, just a Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six packs?" The insect rattled its tentacles together in agitation. "But sir," it squealed, "I just heard on the sub-ether radio report. It said that you were dead ..." "Yeah, that's right," said Zaphod, "I just haven't stopped moving yet. Now. Where do I find Zarniwoop?" "So, how are you?" Zaphod said. "Oh, fine," said Marvin, "if you happen to like being me which personally I don't." # NON-HITCHHIKERS QUOTES from wikiquote When you're a student or whatever, and you can't afford a car, or a plane fare, or even a train fare, all you can do is hope that someone will stop and pick you up. At the moment we can't afford to go to other planets. We don't have the ships to take us there. There may be other people out there (I don't have any opinions about Life Out There, I just don't know) but it's nice to think that one could, even here and now, be whisked away just by hitchhiking. Statement of 1984, as quoted in Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Companion (1988) by Neil Gaiman, p. 2 You are disoriented. Blackness swims toward you like a school of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy text adventure game (1985), published by Infocom. Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game. As quoted in Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Companion (1988) by Neil Gaiman The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place, and continues to do so today. As quoted in The Guardian (1995), and in "Biting back at Microsoft" (5 June 2001) I think a nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones. And a computer nerd therefore is somebody who uses a computer in order to use a computer. Triumph of the Nerds: The Rise of Accidental Empires TV program (1996) Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, "This is an interesting world I find myself in — an interesting hole I find myself in — fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!" This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for. We all know that at some point in the future the Universe will come to an end and at some other point, considerably in advance from that but still not immediately pressing, the sun will explode. We feel there's plenty of time to worry about that, but on the other hand that's a very dangerous thing to say. Speech at Digital Biota 2, Cambridge, UK, (1998) There are some oddities in the perspective with which we see the world. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be, but we have done various things over intellectual history to slowly correct some of our misapprehensions. Speech at Digital Biota 2, Cambridge, UK, (1998) A learning experience is one of those things that say, "You know that thing you just did? Don't do that." Interview in The Daily Nexus (5 April 2000), reprinted in The Salmon of Doubt We don't have to save the world. The world is big enough to look after itself. What we have to be concerned about is whether or not the world we live in will be capable of sustaining us in it. Speech at The University of California, videoed by UCTV (May 2001). If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. Life is a level of complexity that almost lies outside our vision; it is so far beyond anything we have any means of understanding that we just think of it as a different class of object, a different class of matter; 'life', something that had a mysterious essence about it, was God given, and that's the only explanation we had. The bombshell comes in 1859 when Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species. It takes a long time before we really get to grips with this and begin to understand it, because not only does it seem incredible and thoroughly demeaning to us, but it's yet another shock to our system to discover that not only are we not the centre of the Universe and we're not made by anything, but we started out as some kind of slime and got to where we are via being a monkey. It just doesn't read well. As quoted by Richard Dawkins in his Eulogy for Douglas Adams (17 September 2001) The world is a thing of utter inordinate complexity and richness and strangeness that is absolutely awesome. I mean the idea that such complexity can arise not only out of such simplicity, but probably absolutely out of nothing, is the most fabulous extraordinary idea. And once you get some kind of inkling of how that might have happened, it's just wonderful. And … the opportunity to spend 70 or 80 years of your life in such a universe is time well spent as far as I am concerned. Response to the question "What is it about science that really gets your blood running?" — as quoted in Richard Dawkins in his eulogy for Adams (17 September 2001) #[edit] The Meaning of Liff (1983) CLIXBY (adj.) Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative. (Co-written with John Lloyd) ISBN 0-330-28121-6 AALST (n.) One who changes his name to be further to the front ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly bad that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him. CLIXBY (adj.) Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative. FAIRYMOUNT (vb. n.) Polite word for buggery. LAXOBIGGING (ptcpl.vb.) Struggling to extrude an extremely large turd. SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.) The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom WOKING (vb.) To enter the kitchen with the precise determination to perform something only to forget what it is just before you do it. #[edit] Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (1987) If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands. It would be hard to learn much less than my pupils … without undergoing a pre-frontal lobotomy. If the Universe came to an end every time there was some uncertainty about what had happened in it, it would never have got beyond the first picosecond. And many of course don’t. Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family Anatidae on our hands. "What really is the point of trying to teach anything to anybody?" This question seemed to provoke a murmur of sympathetic approval from up and down the table. Richard continued, "What I mean is that if you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else. That forces you to sort it out in your mind. And the more slow and dim-witted your pupil, the more you have to break things down into more and more simple ideas. And that's really the essence of programming. By the time you've sorted out a complicated idea into little steps that even a stupid machine can deal with, you've learned something about it yourself. The teacher usually learns more than the pupils. Isn't that true? "It would be hard to learn much less than my pupils," came a low growl from somewhere on the table, "without undergoing a pre-frontal lobotomy." The door was the way to... to... The Door was The Way. Good. Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to. And that, apart from a flurry of sensational newspaper reports which exposed him as a fraud, then trumpeted him as the real thing so that they could have another round of exposing him as a fraud again and then trumpeting him as the real thing again, until they got bored and found a nice juicy snooker player to harass instead, was that. This was the evening of the last day of Gordon Way's life ... The weather forecast hadn't mentioned that, of course, that wasn't the job of the weather forecast, but then his horoscope had been pretty misleading as well. It had mentioned an unusual amount of planetary activity in his sign and had urged him to differentiate between what he thought he wanted and what he actually needed, and suggested that he should tackle emotional or work problems with determination and complete honesty, but had inexplicably failed to mention that he would be dead before the day was out. WFT-II was the only British software company that could be mentioned in the same sentence as such major U.S. companies as Microsoft or Lotus. The sentence would probably run along the lines of "WFT-II, unlike such major U.S. companies as Microsoft or Lotus ..." but it was a start. Or maybe she decided that an evening with your old tutor would be blisteringly dull and opted for the more exhilarating course of washing her hair instead. Dear me, I know what I would have done. It's only lack of hair that forces me to pursue such a hectic social round these days. The seat received him in a loose and distant kind of way, like an aunt who disapproves of the last fifteen years of your life and will therefore furnish you with a basic sherry, but refuses to catch your eye. "Sir Isaac Newton, renowned inventor of the milled-edge coin and the catflap!" "The what?" said Richard. "The catflap! A device of the utmost cunning, perspicuity and invention. It is a door within a door, you see, a ..." "Yes," said Richard, "there was also the small matter of gravity." "Gravity," said Dirk with a slightly dismissed shrug, "yes, there was that as well, I suppose. Though that, of course, was merely a discovery. It was there to be discovered." ... "You see?" he said dropping his cigarette butt, "They even keep it on at weekends. Someone was bound to notice sooner or later. But the catflap ... ah, there is a very different matter. Invention, pure creative invention. It is a door within a door, you see." If the Universe came to an end every time there was some uncertainty about what had happened in it, it would never have got beyond the first picosecond. And many of course don’t. It’s like a human body, you see. A few cuts and bruises here and there don’t hurt it. Not even major surgery if it’s done properly. Paradoxes are just the scar tissue. Time and space heal themselves up around them and people simply remember a version of events which makes as much sense as they require it to make. #[edit] The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul (1988) It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, "as pretty as an airport." Thor was the God of Thunder and, frankly, acted like it. The kid was deliberately and maliciously watching television at him. You made us what you would not dare to be yourselves. Yet you will not acknowledge us. Especially when I'm wearing the helmet! It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression "As pretty as an airport." Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who are tired, cross, and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in Murmansk (Murmansk airport is the only exception of this otherwise infallible rule), and architects have on the whole tried to reflect this in their designs. Ch. 1 Even British Nuclear Fuels rushed out a statement to the effect that it was a one in a million chance there was hardly any radioactive leakage at all and the site of the explosion would make for a nice location for a day out with the kids and a picnic, before finally having to admit that it wasn't actually anything to do with them at all. Ch. 2 In fact, a very similar phrase was invented to account for the sudden transition of wood, metal, plastic and concrete into an explosive condition, which was "nonlinear, catastrophic structural exasperation," or to put it another way--as a junior cabinet minister did on television the following night in a phrase which was to haunt the rest of his career--the check-in desk had just got "fundamentally fed up with being where it was." Ch. 2 You would probably not say that he was sleeping the sleep of the just, unless you meant the just asleep, but it was certainly the sleep of someone who was not fooling about when he climbed into bed of a night and turned off the light. Ch. 3 The room was not a room to elevate the soul. Louis XIV, to pick a name at random, would not have liked it, would have found it not sunny enough, and insufficiently full of mirrors. He would have desired someone to pick up the socks, put the records away, and maybe burn the place down. Michelangelo would have been distressed by its proportions, which were neither lofty nor shaped by any noticeable inner harmony or symmetry, other than that all parts of the room were pretty much equally full of old coffee mugs, shoes and brimming ashtrays, most of which were now sharing their tasks with each other. The walls were painted in almost precisely that shade of green which Raffaello Sanzio would have bitten off his own right hand at the wrist rather than use, and Hercules, on seeing the room, would probably have returned half an hour later armed with a navigable river. It was, in short, a dump, and was likely to remain so for as long as it remained in the custody of Mr Svlad, or 'Dirk', Gently, né Cjelli. Ch. 3 "My name is Kate Schechter. Two 'c's, two 'h's, two 'e's, and also a 't', an 'r', and an 's'. Provided they're all there the bank won't be fussy about the order they come in, they never seem to know themselves." [specific citation needed] It was a battered yellow Citroën 2CV which had had one careful owner but also three suicidally reckless ones. [specific citation needed] She held the car grimly to the road as it negotiated the bends with considerable difficulty and the straight sections with only slightly less. The car had landed her in court on one occasion when one of its front wheels had sailed off on a little expedition of its own and nearly caused an accident. The police witness in court had referred to her beloved Citroën as "the alleged car" and the name had subsequently stuck. She was particularly fond of the alleged car for many reasons. If one of its doors, for instance, fell off she could put it back on herself, which is more than you could say for a BMW. [specific citation needed] I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. [specific citation needed] I rarely end up where I was intending to go, but often I end up somewhere I needed to be. [specific citation needed] Dennis Hutch had stepped up into the top seat when its founder had died of a lethal overdose of brick wall, taken while under the influence of a Ferrari and a bottle of tequila. [specific citation needed] Thor was the God of Thunder and, frankly, acted like it. [specific citation needed] The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks. [specific citation needed] It was his subconscious which told him this — that infuriating part of a person's brain which never responds to interrogation, merely gives little meaningful nudges and then sits humming quietly to itself, saying nothing. [specific citation needed] Dirk was unused to making such a minuscule impact on anybody. He checked to be sure that he did have his huge leather coat and his absurd red hat on and that he was properly and dramatically silhouetted by the light of the doorway. He felt momentarily deflated and said, "Er..." by way of self-introduction, but it didn't get the boy's attention. He didn't like this. The kid was deliberately and maliciously watching television at him. [specific citation needed] "A suffusion of yellow." (A calculator's response to the question of any math problem with an answer larger than four.) [specific citation needed] There was constant talk about hewing things and ravaging things and splitting things asunder. Lots of big talk of things being mighty, and of things being riven, and of things being in thrall to other things, but very little attention given, as I now realise, to the laundry. [specific citation needed] It was a couple of days before Kate Schechter became aware of any of these things, or indeed of anything at all in the outside world. She passed the time quietly in a world of her own in which she was surrounded as far as the eye could see with old cabin trunks full of past memories in which she rummaged with great curiosity, and sometimes bewilderment. Or, at least, about a tenth of the cabin trunks were full of vivid, and often painful or uncomfortable memories of her past life; the other nine-tenths were full of penguins, which surprised her. Insofar as she recognised at all that she was dreaming, she realised that she must be exploring her own subconscious mind. She had heard it said that humans are supposed only to use about a tenth of their brains, and that no one was very clear what the other nine-tenths were for, but she had certainly never heard it suggested that they were used for storing penguins. [specific citation needed] The Great Zaganza said: "You are very fat and stupid and persistently wear a ridiculous hat which you should be ashamed of." [specific citation needed] Yes, it was an act of God. But which God? [specific citation needed] "Immortals are what you wanted," said Thor in a low, quiet voice. "Immortals are what you got. It is a little hard on us. You wanted us to be for ever, so we are for ever. Then you forget about us. But we are still for ever. Now at last, many are dead, many are dying," he then added in a quiet voice, "but it takes a special effort." "I can't even begin to understand what you're talking about," said Kate, "you say that I, we —" "You can begin to understand," said Thor, angrily, "which is why I have come to you. Do you know that most people hardly see me? Hardly notice me at all? It is not that we are hidden. We are here. We move among you. My people. Your gods. You gave birth to us. You made us what you would not dare to be yourselves. Yet you will not acknowledge us. If I walk along one of your streets in this... world you have made for yourselves without us, then barely an eye will once flicker in my direction." "Is this when you're wearing the helmet?" "Especially when I'm wearing the helmet!" [specific citation needed] #[edit] The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Future (2001) A BBC Radio 4 radio programme on how new media and technology will change our lives The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I'd written both of them. It'd be like a bunch of rivers, the Amazon and the Mississippi and the Congo asking how the Atlantic Ocean might affect them… and the answer is, of course, that they won't be rivers anymore, just currents in the ocean. His stated response to representatives of the music, publishing and broadcasting industries who had asked Douglas at a conference how he thought technological changes will affect them, apparently hoping his response would be something to the effect of, "not very much" It's important to remember that the relationship between different media tends to be complementary. When new media arrive they don't necessarily replace or eradicate previous types. Though we should perhaps observe a half second silence for the eight-track. — There that's done. What usually happens is that older media have to shuffle about a bit to make space for the new one and its particular advantages. Radio did not kill books and television did not kill radio or movies — what television did kill was cinema newsreel. TV does it much better because it can deliver it instantly. Who wants last week's news? Generally, old media don't die. They just have to grow old gracefully. Guess what, we still have stone masons. They haven't been the primary purveyors of the written word for a while now of course, but they still have a role because you wouldn't want a TV screen on your headstone. #[edit] Parrots, the Universe and Everything (2001) Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. Excerpts from Adams' final public appearance before his death in May 2001. For us, there is no longer a fundamental mystery about Life. It is all the process of extraordinary eruptions of information, and it is information which gives us this fantastically rich, complex world in which we live; but at the same time that we've discovered that we are destroying it at a rate that has no precedent in history, unless you go back to the point when we are hit by an asteroid! Part of how we come to take command of our world, to take command of our environment, to make these tools by which we're able to do this, is we ask ourselves questions about it the whole time. So this man starts to ask himself questions. "This world," he says, "so who made it?" Now, of course he thinks that, because he makes things himself. So he's looking for someone who would have made this world. He says, "Well, so who would have made this world? Well, it must be something a little like me. Obviously much much bigger. And necessarily invisible. But he would have made it. Now why did he make it?" Now we always ask ourselves "why?" because we look for intention around us; because we always intend– we do something with intention. We boil an egg in order to eat it. So we look at the rocks, and we look at the trees, and we wonder what intention is here even though it doesn't have intention. If we think that the world is here for us we will continue to destroy it the way we have been destroying it, because we think we can do no harm. #[edit] The Salmon of Doubt (2002) You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. The Salmon of Doubt : Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time (2002) All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others. I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day. My absolute favorite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees. "Stotting" is jumping upward with all four legs simultaneously. My advice: do not die until you've seen a large black poodle stotting in the snow. For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while. All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things. There is no problem so complicated that you can't find a very simple answer to it if you look at it right ... Or put it another way, "The future of computer power is pure simplicity." I am fascinated by religion. (That's a completely different thing from believing in it!) It has had such an incalculably huge effect on human affairs. What is it? What does it represent? Why have we invented it? How does it keep going? What will become of it? I love to keep poking and prodding at it. I've thought about it so much over the years that that fascination is bound to spill over into my writing. I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day. My favorite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantelpiece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favorite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees. The hotel shop only had two decent books, and I'd written both of them. We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. In fact the only thing that I don't like about Whisky, is that if I take the merest sip of the stuff, it sends a sharp pain from the back of my left eyeball down to the tip of my right elbow, and I begin to walk in a very special way, bumping into people and snarling at the furniture. I have therefore learned to turn my attention to other tipples. Margaritas, I'm very fond of, but they make me buy very stupid things. When ever I've had a few margaritas I always wake up in the morning with a sense of dread as to what I will find downstairs. The worst was a 6ft long pencil and a 2ft wide India rubber that I had shipped over from New York, as a result of one injudicious binge. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. "He was constantly reminded of how startlingly different a place the world was when viewed from a point only three feet to the left." " Solutions nearly always come from the direction you least expect, which means there's no point trying to look in that direction because it won't be coming from there." "... Most of the words that airline staff used, or rather most of the sentences into which they were habitually arranged, had been worked so hard that they had died."