<-- back to giving up your day job

After nearly thirteen years i'm quitting my job. it's been a long time coming. i play life so safely, i need to have so much in reserve, i mitigate my risks so carefully, that it took me two years to pave my road away. but finally, just in time for my 36th birthday, i will be a customs officer no more.

at the most carnal level, i'm leaving behind the pain of the morning shift. the alarm clock fear disturbing my sleep, the shock of waking, the exhaustion of forcing my bones out through the cold darkness, and most of all, the desperate mind-numbing exhaustion after three hours of stamping passports without recourse to food or caffeine.

at the most personal, i'm hoping to become a better person. for many years customs was a place where i met with humanity of every age and background (on both sides of the barrier), made creative friendships with brilliant people (whose lights are well hidden), and still had time to read and think and consider my own attitudes and potential. I learnt a lot about beaurocracy, government, systems, sustainability, and working with people through all the stages of their lives. but in the last few years i have felt that i have more to learn elsewhere, that i can use my powers for Good. so i'm denying my instict to safety and following my nose to adventure.

i think i hope i will be happier.
the pain certainly doesn't make me happy.
but the road to adventure isn't always a happy one either.
and having complete responsibility for your own life is often more frustrating than just blaming the Organisation

my instinct tells me that happiness comes from within, and who you are is more important than what you do.

but my instincts do tend to be a bit idealistic.

in JULY i realised i had done most of the backlog of things i wanted to get done

in AUGUST i realised that the things i hadn't done with six months of free time weren't going to get done

in SEPTEMBER i discovered that some things (like writing more, visiting distant friends, painting the house...) won't get done no matter how much time i have

in OCTOBER it was time to find routine, structure, a way to know i would get something done in the endless fleeting days and weeks.

in NOVEMBER i found out how fragile (even my) self-esteem can be, how much hope and despair ride on the bottom line of an invoice.

i wait to see what december holds.

--> now i have more time to be friends of artists
and friends of People In My Neighbourhood

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